Disagreements are an inevitable part of any relationship, but how you navigate them determines whether they build a bridge or a wall. It’s not about avoiding the fight; it’s about fighting fair.
If you want to keep your relationship healthy, here are 14 things you should absolutely NOT do the next time things get heated.
1. Bringing Up the Past
This is often called “kitchen sinking” because you throw in everything but the kitchen sink. It happens because an unresolved issue from six months ago feels similar to today’s problem.
However, when you stack grievances, your partner feels overwhelmed and attacked. It makes the current problem impossible to solve because the conversation is now about a dozen different things.
2. Using “Always” or “Never”
These are known as “absolutes.” In reality, no one always does something. When you use these words, the conversation stops being about the problem and starts being an argument about the word choice.
Your partner will immediately start listing the three times they did do the dishes just to prove you wrong, and the original issue is forgotten.
3. The Silent Treatment
Psychologically, this is a form of “stonewalling.” It creates a power imbalance where one person controls the flow of communication by withdrawing.
It triggers deep feelings of abandonment in the other person. While it’s okay to need space, shutting down without a word is a way of punishing your partner rather than processing your emotions.
4. Yelling or Screaming
When the volume goes up, the brain’s “amygdala” (the fear center) takes over. At this point, “logical” conversation is physically impossible.
Yelling signals a threat, which makes your partner either yell back or shut down. It turns a discussion into a battle of dominance.
5. Arguing in Public
Arguing in front of others—or worse, on social media—adds a layer of humiliation to the conflict. It forces your partner to worry about their public image while trying to deal with your feelings.
It also invites “sides,” which can lead to long-term resentment from friends or family members who heard the fight.
6. Name-Calling or Belittling
This is a shift from attacking the problem to attacking the person. You can fix a behavior, but it’s much harder to fix a perceived character flaw.
Once you call someone a name, you’ve told them that you view them as “less than,” which erodes the foundation of mutual respect.
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7. Threatening the Relationship
Using “maybe we should just break up” as a weapon is a form of emotional blackmail. It creates a climate of fear.
If the relationship is always “on the line,” your partner will stop being vulnerable with you because they don’t feel secure enough to be honest.
8. Interrupting
Interrupting is a signal that you are “listening to respond” rather than “listening to understand.” It tells your partner that your counter-point is more important than their lived experience.
This usually leads to both people talking over each other until no one is being heard at all.
9. Being Defensive
Defensiveness is actually a way of blaming your partner. You are essentially saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you for noticing there’s a problem.”
It stops the conversation in its tracks because you refuse to take any responsibility for your part in the dynamic.
10. Arguing While “HALT”
Our biological state dictates our emotional capacity. When you are hungry or tired, your blood sugar and patience levels are low.
You are more likely to be irritable and less likely to be empathetic. Most “late-night” fights could be solved much faster after a sandwich and eight hours of sleep.
11. Negative Body Language
Rolls eyes, heavy sighs, or crossing your arms are “micro-expressions” of contempt. Dr. John Gottman, a famous relationship expert, identifies contempt as the #1 predictor of divorce.
It communicates that you find your partner annoying or inferior, which is incredibly damaging to intimacy.
12. Involving the Kids
Children are like emotional sponges; they mirror the stress of their parents. Using them to “relay messages” or asking them who is right forces them into a “loyalty conflict.”
It makes their home feel like a battlefield rather than a safe haven.
13. Trying to “Win”
In a relationship, you are a single unit. If you “win” an argument by making your partner feel small, stupid, or defeated, you have actually lost.
The “win” should be a solution that makes the relationship feel stronger, not a personal victory over someone you love.
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14. Walking Away Without a Plan
Leaving mid-argument is sometimes necessary to cool down, but doing it without saying when you’ll return is “abandonment.”
It leaves the other person in a state of high anxiety. Always provide a “check-in” time so your partner knows the conversation isn’t over, just paused.